This was meant to be a different post. I was going to apologise for not updating this blog more often and let you know this was because I had started working again... I was going to write about the fact that I more or less had my pain under control. I was managing it successfully and was finally back on track, some new equipment had arrived for the office and I was excited!! All my siblings were around and we were headed to see the new X Men movie - this doesn't happen often enough, so my excitement was justified.
I decided to plan out this very uplifting and borderline over excited post, while waiting for everyone to get ready. I got up to get a drink of water and the little twinge I had felt all afternoon suddenly sharpened, my pelvis twisted- it's the only way I can explain it and the pain made my knees wobble, I convinced myself that it would go away, took my prescribed pain medication and went to sit quietly in a corner.
Five minutes before we left I knew it was a bad idea, the pain tightened and my back hunched over into a standing foetal position, as though my body was trying to retreat into itself. My sister took my bag as I hobbled to the cab, the whole journey there, I clutched the seat and held myself as still as possible. It didn't help and while my family ordered food- literally enough to feed a small town, I ordered a bottle of water which I proceeded to sip intermittently throughout the movie - I still needed to take two bathroom breaks because the pain from trying to wait till the end of the movie was impossible to bear.
It occurs to me as I write this that in trying to present endometriosis as 'bearable' for lack of a better word, I might have inadvertently trivialised the pain it causes. Yoga, exercise etc, all pain management techniques I have mentioned definitely help me 'manage' manage being the operative word- they do not make me better and I sometimes forget this. I have some relatively pain free days and I risk it, I relax and let all my 'management' habits slip out the window, just to have a few days when I don't actively think about endometriosis and its complications. The days after these are often the worst.
It occurs to me as I write this that in trying to present endometriosis as 'bearable' for lack of a better word, I might have inadvertently trivialised the pain it causes. Yoga, exercise etc, all pain management techniques I have mentioned definitely help me 'manage' manage being the operative word- they do not make me better and I sometimes forget this. I have some relatively pain free days and I risk it, I relax and let all my 'management' habits slip out the window, just to have a few days when I don't actively think about endometriosis and its complications. The days after these are often the worst.
So here I am nearly a week later still coming to terms with the fact that this body of mine needs work, that the best days are the days when I work to make it stronger, both physically and mentally, the days when I don't take it for granted, maybe the days when I don't pretend. Acceptance can be a beautiful thing.
